There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said:
- It looks like a storm is coming.
- No it isn't - said his wife.
- Besides, how would you know?
- Because - he responded:
- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
- Waiter! - shouted the furious diner:
- How dare you serve me this!
- There's a damn TWIG in my soup!
- My apologies - said the waiter.
- I'll inform the branch manager.
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.
- I am. - said the man.
The farmer said:
- I have a black horse and a brown horse, which one would you like?
The man thought for a minute and said:
- The black one.
- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.
- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:
- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.
The other man replies:
- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh, okay then.
The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out:
- Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
- Just place this between your cheek and gum.
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:
- And what if I swallow it?
- No problem - says the barber.
- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.
What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign??
→ LOOK!!! They spelled MACY's wrong!!!!
Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:
- Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.
The Jewish lady said:
- But your sign says that you have vacancies.
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:
- You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:
- I'll have you know, I converted to your religion.
The desk clerk said:
- Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
- How was Jesus born?
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
- He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.
- Very good - replied the hotel clerk.
- Tell me more.
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
- He was born in a manger.
- That's right - said the hotel clerk.
- And why was he born in a manger?
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:
- Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:
- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:
- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:
- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!
What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
→ The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.
