Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
→ If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:

- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

• Running U.S. appliances on British current.
• Runs squares around the competition.
• Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
• S p a c e d o u t .
• Sailboat fuel for brains.
• Sat under the ozone hole too long.
• Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
• Serving donuts on another planet.
• Settled some during shipping and handling.
• Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
• Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
• Several nuts short of a full pouch.
• Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
• She only packed half a sandwich.
• She only schedules zombie processes.
• She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
• She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
• She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
• Short a few cards.
• Short-circuited between the earphones.
• Should be the poster child for family planning.
• Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
• Single-sided, low density.
• Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
• Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
• Slinky's kinked.
• Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
• Slow as molasses in January.

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

- If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

- I'd have to say the living one.

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

How do witches lose weight?
→ They join weight witches.

The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month.
Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!

- Waiter, there is a frog in my soup!

- Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him!

- These are the best eggs we've had for years.

- Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.