Most viewed jokes

Tuns of Puns Part II

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.

Across A Crowded Room

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Fixing the Fence

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

- Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.

- Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.

- Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.

- Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

The End Is Near

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said:

- The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

- Leave us alone you religious nuts! - yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

- Do you think - said one clergy to the other - we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?