- Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
- Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
- Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
- Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.
Men are like bike helmets.
They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge:
- I dont recognize this court!
- Why? - asked the Judge.
- Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks:
- Is God male or female?
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds:
- Well God is both male and female.
This confuses the little boy, so he asks:
- Is God black or white?
- Well, God is both black and white.
This further confuses the boy so he asks:
- Is God gay or straight?
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless:
- Honey, God is both gay and straight.
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:
- Is God Michael Jackson?
Did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car?
→ Took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger.
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.
- Six shots? What's wrong? - asks the bartender.
- I found out my older brother is gay.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
- What now?
- I found out my younger brother is gay.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?
- Yeah, my wife does.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters saying:
- You can have mine.
What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father?
→ An orphan.
Why do raindrops like lightning at night?
→ So they can see where they are going
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied:
- The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
