Most viewed jokes

Did you know that the three wise men were firemen?
→ It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).

- Customer: Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said:

- Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said:

- I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

- You all have obsessions - he observed.

To the first mother he said:

- You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second mom.

- Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third mom.

- Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:

- Come on sweety, let's go home.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?

The grandfather replies:

- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said:

- Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!

The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

- I'm not really sure - said the other guy - they both look similar.

- QUICK! Make up your mind! - said the ranger.

- O.K. - said the other - it was the male.

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

- But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend? - the other man asked.

- Well - said the ranger...

- I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
→ Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?
→ Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
→ The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
→ It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
→ It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.

To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied:

- I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.

So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said:

- That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said:

- That'll be fifty dollars.

- Fifty dollars?!?! - the woman exclaimed.

- You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

- Yes, I did - said the owner.

- But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.

What did the young witch say to her mother?
→ Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?

Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."