Most viewed jokes

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say:

- I could've done that.

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said:

- The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said:

- Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said:

- No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain:

- A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other

- WAIT ! - interrupted the others.

- If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply:

- He don't, that's what makes him so mean.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.. ..the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home?
→ He moved ten miles away.

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.

- This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?

- That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!

- Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde.

- This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?

- Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! - said the second blonde, giggling and flipping her hair.

- What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice:

- This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?

He quickly added:

- And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic.

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said:

- Hmmmm... The suspect wears contact lenses.

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.

- Well, that's an interesting answer... Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that.

He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.

- Wow! - he said - I can't believe it... It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?

- That's easy - the blonde replied. He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear.

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex:

- Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small - he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

- Well, American beer - he replies quite bemused.

- Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

- I take it you now drink Guinness? - asked the doctor.

- Oh no, Doc - replies the man - but I've got the wife on American beer!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

- I'm too young to die! - she wails. Then she yells:

- Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

- No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

- I can make you feel like a woman - he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

- Iron this.

What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
→ A fresh air freak.

Why is it so wet in Great Britain?
→ Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them!