Most viewed jokes

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top:

- IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

- MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said:

- Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said:

- Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?

'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks:

- Religion?

The man says:

- Methodist.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says:

- Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

- Religion?

- Baptist.

- Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates.

- Religion?

- Jewish.

- Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

The man says:

- I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?

St. Peter tells him:

- Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

- Officer: May I see your licence?

- Lady: What does it look like?

- Officer: It's a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says:

- If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
→ I don't like to interrupt her.

What happened to the naughty little witch at school?
→ She was ex-spelled.

Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.

- Customer: I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.

- Tech Support: Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?

- Customer: Of course I am. That's why I bought it.

- Tech Support: Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?

- Customer: Don't get rude with me, of course I do.

- Tech Support: Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.

- Customer: I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice:

- I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.