Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a tornado is stupid?
→ If it spins anti-cyclonically

Why was the lightning grilled on the stove?
→ To make heat lightning

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement.

- How'd the meeting go? - asks the first guy.

- It went great - says his buddy.

- Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.

- Fabulous - says the guy by the pool.

- There's just one catch - his partner warns.

- What's the catch?

- We have to put up ten thousand in cash.

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you, - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that, - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick, - the man said, but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room, - he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out:

- O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.

Why do men prefer blondes?
→ Men always like intellectual company.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says:

- In America, we call this a hug.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says:

- In America, we call this a kiss.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says:

- In America, we call this a grass sandwich.

She says:

- Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.

Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you told her twice.