Most viewed jokes

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

- We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant - she confessed miserably.

- I'm sure we'll solve your problem - the doctor reassured her.

- If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.

- Well, all right, doctor - agreed the young woman, blushing.

- but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.
11. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
12. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
13. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
14. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.
15. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
16. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
17. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"
18. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.
19. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:

- I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read:

- I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

- Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose, - he typed.

- Please send us two of them.

Murphy said to his daughter:

- I want you home by eleven o'clock.

She said:

- But Father, I'm no longer a child!

He said:

- I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called "How to Hug", only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?

A guy in a bar stands up and says:

- All lawyers are assholes.

Another guy stands up and says:

- Hey... I resent that...

The first guy says:

- Why? Are you a lawyer?

The second guy says:

- No. I'm an asshole.

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

- No, I'm not. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

- Well, what did you say to your wife?

- Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore.

- Well, what did you say to your best friend?

- BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

- Doctor Sawbones speaking.

- Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?

Who went into a witche's den and came out alive?
→ The witch!