Most viewed jokes

Why does your sister have yeast and shoe polish for breakfast?
→ Because she wants to rise and shine.

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1. Don't buy a computer.
2. If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3. If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Which two letters are rotten for your teeth?
→ D K

Did you ever hear about Blitzen the Brown nosed reindeer?
→ He is twice as fast as Rudolf but doesn't stop as quick!

Yo' mama's so fat when she get's out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.

Whats the square root of 69?
→ EIGHT something

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling:

- I've never been better! - he replies.

- I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says:

- Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

- That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear - the man said.

- Exactly - replies the Doc.

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

- It's a very handy thing - God told the couple - and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.

Adam jumped up and blurted:

- Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

- Fine - God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers.

- What's left here?

- Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.