A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers:
- So - he said - I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
- You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ...:
- Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
→ He sold his soul to Santa!
Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.
- What is heat? - Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.
Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat.
- What is heat Dad?
Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.
Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says:
- where is missy?
Angela said:
- missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street.
What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man?
→ Stupid!
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,
and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
Why was the student witch so bad at essays?
→ Because she couldn't spell properly.
