Most viewed jokes

Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

What is a tornado?
→ Mother nature doing the twist!

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
→ Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

- I know - said the Branch Manager.

- Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.

- No, no - said the Hardware Engineer.

- That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.

- Well - said the Software Engineer.

- Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.

Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield:

- Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked:

- Who are you?

To which he replied:

- Oh, I'm Cess!

Two cannibals meet one day...

The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of Missionary do you use?

The reply:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah, Ha! - the second cannibal replies.

- No wonder--those are fryers!

A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.

The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man:

- I wish I could feel like a woman one last time.

The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says:

- now fold it!

NAME:
→ I am Applyin

DESIRED POSITION:
→ Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
→ $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
→ Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
→ Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
→ Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
→ My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
→ It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
→ Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
→ 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
→ Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
→ If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
→ Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
→ I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
→ I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
→ Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
→ Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?
→ The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
→ No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
→ Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob

Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene