Most viewed jokes

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother:

- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies:

- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion:

- Dad, why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

- Son, all household appliances come in white.

What did the young witch say to her mother?
→ Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!

- Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup!

- Don't worry sir, they don't eat much!

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said:

- All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said:

- The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

- Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank.

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife:

- I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,

- You're on - returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says:

- I have to admit that I saw this movie before.

She in turn confesses:

- I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice....

Excuse me, your fly is unzipped:

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...