Most viewed jokes

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying:

- What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said:

- But officer this is my wife.

The officer said:

- Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.

The man said:

- Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.

What's a man's worst nightmare?

1. The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2. His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3. A female boss.
4. He has to ask his wife for money.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied:

- Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said:

- Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa - then the nun whispers - She has the constipation.

The clerk said:

- Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says:

- You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says:

- You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

Your loyal secretary!

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14?" "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

- Boy: Do you have fever?

- Girl: No, why?

- Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
→ Ask a woman her age.