Most viewed jokes

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
→ An umbrella.

If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
→ Because it wasn't raining.

A man walks into a bar and says:

- Bartender, give me two shots.

Bartender says:

- You want them both now or one at a time?

The guy says:

- Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here - and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks:

- He can drink?

- Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

- That's amazing - says the bartender.

- What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says:

- Hey, Jake. Go get that.

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

- That's amazing - he says.

- What else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says:

- Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home.

- Bet you can't guess how old I am - he says.

- Bet I can - she says.

- Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am - he says.

- You're on - she says.

- Stand up.

He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now turn around - she says.

She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants - she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . .

- you're 86 - she says.

He's dumbounded.

- By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?

She rocks and smiles.

- You told me yesterday!

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon. - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!

How do you make a dead baby float?
→ Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

- What Denomination? - Asked the clerk.

- Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? - said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey:

- Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?

- Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.