Most viewed jokes

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse?
→ She was having Disney spells.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
→ Because then the children have to play inside.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
→ It's all in the grip.

How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?
→ "They are both stuck-up cunts!"

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

- Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.

- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

- You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

- The homeless are invisible.

- The subway makes sense.

- The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

- You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

- You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

- Your door has more than three locks.

- You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

- Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

- The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

- You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.

- You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

- You consider Westchester "Upstate".

- You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.