Most viewed jokes

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

He responded:

- That should be obvious, the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.

Why did the pig go to the casino ?
→ To play the slop machine !

Your momma's so fat that when she sits on a penny Lincoln dies once again!!

A wife asks her husband:

- Honey, if I died, would you remarry?

- After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

- If I died and you remarried - the wife asks - would she live in this house?

- We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house - the wife asks - would she sleep in our bed?

- Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

- Oh, no - the husband replies - She's left-handed.

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian.

They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven. When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says:

- How many grains of sand are there in the world?

The Italian guy says:

- Um, four trillion? and falls straight to Hell.

The polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says:

- How many drops of water are there in all of the world's oceans?

He says:

- Uh, ninety-eight billion? and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, it's the American's turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel:

- Which hole did my fart go through?

The angel replies:

- That's easy, and points to a hole.

The American says:

- No, it came out of this one! and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ Because his penis told him to.
→ Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
→ So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...)
→ Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember.

When finished, check your score below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Hamburg joints with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Slingshots
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Amos and Andy
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 = Kids are calling your sir/ma'am.

If you remembered 11-15 = You're older than dirt!

If you remembered 16-25 = Check your pulse now!

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
16. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
17. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
18. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
19. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
20. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
21. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
22. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
23. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
24. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
25. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
26. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
27. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
28. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
29. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
30. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
31. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says:

- Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in.

So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.

He says:

- I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed, in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.

- Wow - said St. Peter, that's a pretty fantastic story.

So St. Peter calls in the second guy.

He said:

- One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!

Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says:

- Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator...

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust the bartender says:

- What, no drink for me this time?

The drunk replies:

- No, you get violent when you drink.