Most viewed jokes

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
→ Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

It only rains twice a year in Seattle:
August through April and May through July.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating:

- Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

The first man approached him and said:

- Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:

- My wife's first husband.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

- Well, what's the difference between the two? - Bill asks.

God says:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

- Fine, but where should I go first?

- I'll leave that up to you.

- Okay, then, - says Bill.

- Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased.

- This is great! - he tells God.

- If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

- Fine, - says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides:

- Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell, - he tells God.

- Fine, - replies God.

- As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

- How's everything going? - he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?

- Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER.

Yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck

An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells:

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Just giving you an aspirin for your headache - The bloke answered.

- But I ain't got a headache - she yelled back.

- Good then, Lets fuck! - said the bloke.

How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?
→ It burns too easily