Most viewed jokes

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said, "Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer:

- We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too.

- Very clever! - remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says:

- Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?

- Yes - says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, what about it? You got something against blind kids?

- Nothing, ordinarily - says the guy, still scowling out the window, but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!

- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied:

- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
→ Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:

- You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes. What is your first wish?

The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, says:

- well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?

The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says:

- he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says:

- Chief, can i talk to my horse again?

The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says:

- Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells:

- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...

- I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say:

- Wanna.

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said:

- I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...:

- ME KNOW HOW...

ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
12. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
13. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
14. You can focus better with one eye closed.
15. You fall off the floor.
16. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
17. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
18. Roseanne looks good.
19. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
20. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife:

- Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said:

- Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!

She said:

- Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

- You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

- I sure did - said the wife. I wrote him a check.

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone