Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...
- She: Get off of me, will ya!!
- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.
Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.
After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!
P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him:
- Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...
- What am I here after?
Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
How did the hail stone describe it's life?
→ It really has a lot of ups and downs
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla:
- How do you spell 'dumb'?
Darla says:
- d-u-m-b, dumb.
The teacher says:
- very good, now use it in a sentence.
She says:
- Buckwheat is dumb.
Now spell "stupid".
Darla says:
- s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.
The teacher says:
- very good, now use it in a sentence.
Darla says:
- Buckwheat is stupid.
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says:
- Buckwheat, spell dictate.
Buckwheat stands and says:
- d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.
The teacher says:
- very good, now use it in a sentence.
- I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!
NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some. STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class:
- Where is Jesus today?
Steven raised his hand and said:
- He's in heaven.
Mary was called on and answered:
- He's in my heart.
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out:
- I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said:
- Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
- Actually, no, - he replied.
- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
- I'm afraid I can't, - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says:
- There! 10 feet long.
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts:
- You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!
