Most viewed jokes

VERBS:

- to schmooze = befriend scum

- to pitch = grovel shamelessly

- to brainstorm = feign preparedness

- to research = procrastinate indefinitely

- to network = spread disinformation

- to collaborate = argue incessantly

- to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

- agent = frustrated lawyer

- lawyer = frustrated producer

- producer = frustrated writer

- writer = frustrated director

- director = frustrated actor

- actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS:

- high-concept = low brow

- production value = gore

- entry-level = pays nothing

- highly qualified = knows the producer

- network approved = had made them money

FINANCIAL TERMS:

- net = something that apparently doesn't exist

- gross = Michael Eisner's salary

- back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it

- residuals = braces for the kids

- deferral = don't hold your breath

- points = see "net" or "back-end"

COMMON PHRASES:

- You can trust me = You must be new

- It needs some polishing = Change everything

- It shows promise = It stinks rotten

- It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

- I'd like some input = I want total control

- It needs some honing = Change everything

- Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

- It needs some tightening = Change everything

- Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

- It needs some streamlining = Change everything

- You'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever

- Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

- Maybe, what made them sick?

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes?
→ The weatherman.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

- It will be waiting for you at the airport! - he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

He jumped in with his equipment and yelled:

- Let's go! Let's go!

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

- Fly over the north side of the fire - said the photographer - and make three or four low level passes.

- Why? - asked the pilot.

- Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures! - said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said:

- You mean you're not the instructor?

Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

- Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers. - said the store manager.

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

- Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

- For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

- Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

- Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

- The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.