Most viewed jokes

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

- I don't know...

- Why?

- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

- Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said:

- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said:

- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!

Mother Superior said:

- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

Monsignor said:

- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:

- Wow, what a nice fish.

In reply, the sister said:

- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said:

- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said:

- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

One woman to another at a singles bar:

- I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.

These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
→ By witchful thinking.

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

- The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

- What difference does it make? - Joan asked rather calmly.

- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

- Not exactly - said the embarrassed man.

- You're lying on the dining room skylight.

Dear Boss, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

When is the only polite time to slap a midget?
→ When he says, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilized.