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How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Happy Holidays to one and all!

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say:

- no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says:

- Remember me?

The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says:

- Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

What type of sense of humor does rain have?
→ A very wet sense of humor

Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit = Error
3. U Betta Recognize = Delete
4. Itz All Good = OK
5. 4 Real Doe = Yes
6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
10. Put A Cap In It = Delete
11. Games & Shit = Programs
12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials."

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein' It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain't gone Need = Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real."

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

- USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

- The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

- National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

- Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

- Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

- Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

- Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

- Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

- Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

- Readers Digest: 'BYE

- Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

- TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

- Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

- America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

- Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

- Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

How can you make a witch itch?
→ Take away her "W."

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.

- What's the matter? - asked her companion.

- Oh dear - sobbed Auntie.

- It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet.

- Three feet? - exclaimed her friend.

- Surely that's not possible?

- Well - said Auntie.

- his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.