Most viewed jokes

How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?
→ The gear shift is wet!!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ GROUND BEEF!

Waiter to customer:

- Our specialty is snails.

- I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror:

- I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.

And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:

- I think I'm the smartest person in this bar.

And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:

- I think...

POOF! She disappears.

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife:

- Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?
→ The conductor.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee:

- Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The girl leaned over the counter and said:

- Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary!

A frog walks into a bank and says:

- I wanna loan.

- Well Mr. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you - The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."

She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says:

- I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?

The boss laughs and says:

- It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!