Most viewed jokes

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

- Easy, - says the man.

- Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.

- Wow, - says the man at the bar.

- I gotta try this.

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

- Geez, Superman, - says the bartender.

- You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk.

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

She said:

- Well, he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish.

And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said:

- Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question:

- What would you like to do with his body?

The gay man reesponded:

- Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said:

- Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judge's face went red and he roared:

- It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked:

- Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied:

- Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said:

- Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

- It is wonderful - the husband exclaimed.

- We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?

- Yes, you male chauvinist pig - his wife replied.

- Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!

Yo Mama is so fat...when she took her shirt off at the strip club, everyone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars

How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: Taureans don't like to change anything.

Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
→ Because it is two-tired (too tired).

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

- Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed...

- Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed...

- Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ...

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:

- Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?
→ To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!