Most viewed jokes

If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
→ European.

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- I wannup.

- I wannup who?

- You do! I didn't need to know that!

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session:

- I'm not aware of your problem - the doctor said.

- So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.

- Of course - replied the patient...

- In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I Committed adultery."

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Priest: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Rabbi: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Rabbi: How many times?

- Woman: Just once.

- Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says:

- So what's bothering you, dear?

She says:

- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

The priest says:

- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?

She says:

- That he did, Father...

The priest says:

- What did he ask, Mary?

She says:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....

YEEOOOOOOOUCH!

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
11. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
12. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
13. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
14. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
15. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
16. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
17. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
18. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
19. Two words: catapulting teacups.