Most viewed jokes

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
→ When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics!!

How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.

- How're thangs with y'all, Pete? - one asked.

- Not bad atall - Pete replied.

- My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her.

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

- Waiter, your tie is in my soup!

- That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:

- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

- JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?
→ He gave tanks.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"