Most viewed jokes

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager:

- Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

- Yep, that's him - he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

- That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

- Because - the owner replied

- before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said:

- Give me all your money!

Unwilling to do so, the President said:

- You can't do this, I'm the President!

The man then replied:

- Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper:

- Darling am I the first man to make love to you?

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.

- Of course you are! - she said.

- And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.

Two wives were airing their troubles:

- I'd like to get a divorce - said the first.

- My husband and I just don't get along.

- Why don't you sue him for incompatibility? - asked the second.

- I would if I could catch him at it - replied the first.

- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?

- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly:

- Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
→ A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum out!"

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

- What is your name? - Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

- John - the new guy replied.

The manager scowled:

- Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

- I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

- Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed and said:

- Darling. My name is John Darling.

- Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned:

- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:

- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!