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Big Nose Pinocchio
Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
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Short Backflips
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Guest
Short Handball Curb
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:
- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!
- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.
- Hold the club gently - the pro replied:
- just like you'd hold your wife's breast.
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:
- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.
- What can I do? - asks the wife.
- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
- That was great - the pro says.
- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to! - says the pro.
Guest
Actual Product Instructions
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
- ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
- ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
- FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
- ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Out of Paper
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said:
- I've got to take a crap.
The other said:
- Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.
The first one said:
- But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass.
The other blonde replied:
- You have a dollar, don't you?
The first one said:
- Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked:
- What in the hell happened to you?
The first one replied:
- Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?
Guest
First Date
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said:
- But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on:
- What do you think about me?
Guest
Hay In Bed
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?
→ To feed her nightmare.
Guest
Brother Or Sister
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
→ I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
Guest
Digging In The Sun
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other:
- Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?
- I don't know - responded the other.
- I'll ask him.
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss:
- Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?
- Intelligence - the boss said.
- What do you mean, intelligence'?
The boss said:
- Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said:
- That's intelligence!
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked:
- What did he say?
- He said we are down here because of intelligence.
- What's intelligence? - said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said:
- Take your shovel and hit my hand.