Most viewed jokes

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.
They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ?
He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting:

- Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting:

- Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
→ Because it said "concentrate!"

- I will not carve gods.

- I will not spank others.

- I will not aim for the head.

- I will not barf unless I'm sick.

- I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

- I will not conduct my own fire drills.

- Funny noises are not funny.

- I will not snap bras.

- I will not fake seizures.

- This punishment is not boring and pointless.

- My name is not Dr. Death.

- I will not defame New Orleans.

- I will not prescribe medication.

- I will not bury the new kid.

- I will not teach others to fly.

- I will not bring sheep to class.

- A burp is not an answer.

- Teacher is not a leper.

- Coffee is not for kids.

- I will not eat things for money.

- I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

- The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

- I will not call the principal "spud head".

- Goldfish don't bounce.

- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

- No one is interested in my underpants.

- I will not sell miracle cures.

- I will return the seeing-eye dog.

- I do not have diplomatic immunity.

- I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

- I will never win an emmy.

- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

- All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

- I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

- I am not deliciously saucy.

- Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

- The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

- I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

- There are plenty of businesses like show business.

- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

- I will not waste chalk.

- I will not skateboard in the halls.

- I will not instigate revolution.

- I will not draw naked ladies in class.

- I did not see Elvis.

- I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".

- Garlic gum is not funny.

- They are laughing at me, not with me.

- I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.

- I will not encourage others to fly.

- I will not fake my way through life.

- Tar is not a plaything.

- I will not Xerox my butt.

- It's potato, not potatoe.

- I will not trade pants with others.

- I am not a 32 year old woman.

- I will not do that thing with my tongue.

- I will not drive the principal's car.

- I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

- I will not sell school property.

- I will not burp in class.

- I will not cut corners.

- I will not get very far with this attitude.

- I will not belch the National Anthem.

- I will not sell land in Florida.

- I will not grease the monkey bars.

- I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

- I will not do anything bad ever again.

- I will not show off.

- I will not sleep through my education.

- I am not a dentist.

- Spitwads are not free speech.

- Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

- High explosives and school don't mix.

- I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

- I will not squeak chalk.

- I will finish what I sta

- "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.

- Underwear should be worn on the inside.

- The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

- I will not torment the emotionally frail.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man replied:

- 130. So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought:

- This is really cool.

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man responded:

- 120. So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself:

- Wow, this is really cool.

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man replied:

- 80.

The robot then said:

- So, how are things in Poland these days?

WE DON'T SERVE WOMEN HERE!

(you have to bring your own)

Grant's Bar and Casino:
Liquor in the front,
Poker in the rear.

A man calls his wife and says to her:

- Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers.

- Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door:

- So honey, how was your fishing trip?

- It was great... - the husband answers.

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.

- No I didn't - said his wife.

- They were in your tackle box.