Most viewed jokes

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying:

- Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are:

- Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
3. Four words:

- Off my lap, Tubby!

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

What happened to the Polish National Library?
→ Someone stole the book.

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said:

- God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.

So God said:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said:

- See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time.

So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back.

After that, everything was going fine. Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver. Moses said:

- God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.

And God repeated:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK! Moses said:

- I got the last one.

So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses:

- Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?

Moses replied:

- No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

The Doctor leading the tour explains:

- I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.

- Oh, I am sorry, - said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - what's happening in there?

The Doctor replied:

- Same problem, better health plan.

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas