Most viewed jokes

your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

- Hans Olaffsen? - he muses.

- How in hell does that fit in here?

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks:

- How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'

The old man answers:

- Is name of owner.

The tourist asks:

- Well, who and where is the owner?

- Me...is right here - replies the old man.

- You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

- Is simple - says the old man.

- Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

- I say Sem Ting.

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
→ She had to call an eggs-terminator!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:

- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?

- I had tolio as a child - he answered.

- You mean polio? - she asked.

- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.

- They're all lumpy and deformed!

- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.

- You mean measles? - she asked.

- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

- Don't tell me - she said.

- Let me guess.. Smallcox?

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried:

- What are we going to do?

- Nothing - said the hunter husband.

- The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies:

- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

The second Englishman remarked:

- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies:

- You're right. He's unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked:

- Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

- Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.

Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC?
→ Because it was on old croc.