Most viewed jokes

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
→ The Scenic Root.

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid:

- My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?

The other kid answers:

- Alaska

The first one replies:

- Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!

You know you're Castle Trash if......

• Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
• Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted
• You can't afford a cod piece................nobody notices
• You have more sheep dogs than sheep
• You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...
• The plague improved your complexion...........but only for a little while
• The Pope sends you to the Crusades...........in Norway
• Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
• Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier
• The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom
• Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom
• You won "most improved" at the tournament
• They call your daughter made Marian
• Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"
• Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

Girl Lingo:

- The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

- The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

- The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

- The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

- The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

- The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

- The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

- The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

- Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

- The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

- The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

- The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

- The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.

- Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.

- The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.

- The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says:

- Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies:

- That, son, is the elephant's trunk.

- No, at the other end.

- That, son is the tail.

- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies:

- That's nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

- Daddy, what is that long thing?

- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.

- No at the other end.

- Oh, that is the tail.

- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.

- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?

- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.

- I tell you, I spoil that woman ... - replies the father.

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed:

- Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!

- Darling - the wife said, spitting out her gag.

- I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.

- Student: Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?

- Computer Teacher: In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that.

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said:

- I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him.

The farmer said:

- Help yourself, the hens are out in the back.

How do you cure constipation?
→ Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!