Most viewed jokes

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese. He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back". He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away." He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back." Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel". So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!!"

- Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

- Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

- Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

- Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

- Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.

- Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.

- Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

- Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.

- Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."

- Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)

- Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

- Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

- Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

- Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."

- Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:

- No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!

- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.

- Hold the club gently - the pro replied - just like you'd hold your wife's breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.

- What can I do? - asks the wife.

- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

- That was great - the pro says with a straight face.

- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:

- What do you use to feed your pigs?

- Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?

- Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes.

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:

- Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?

- Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

- Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

- Oh, I really don't care or mind, - said the waiter with a smile.

- We don't even have an air conditioner.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - said the Major.

He went to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

- Daddy? - the kid asked his father.

- Where did I come from?

- Ask your mother - he replied.

- I did - the kid said.

- But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.

- Hmmmm - chuckled his dad.

- That's about the size of it?

One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said:

- I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses.

She quickly answered:

- George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!