Most viewed jokes

Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

- My darling - he replied.

- think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?
→ A mousetache.

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says:

- Pull over,

and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says:

- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says:

- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies:

- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked:

- I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied:

- Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says:

- sure.

The guy with no arms says:

- I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

- Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said:

- Sure, I guess.

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him:

- I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt:

- I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said:

- Ma'am did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says:

- May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says:

- I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

- What did he say?

And the old man yells:

- He said he knows you!

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!
He runs around and yells:

- Hey, bud, this is my car!

- OK - the man says.

- You take the front and I'll take the back.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look:

- Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?