Most viewed jokes

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ***** Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. ***** Operator! Give me the number for 911! ***** Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ***** Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) ***** Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! ***** Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ***** Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ***** Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? ***** Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ***** Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ***** Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. ***** Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. ***** Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ***** Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... ***** (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ***** What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.

- I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge - the brunette said to the blonde.

- Okay, it's a bet.

A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars.

- I can't take it.

- You have to, it was a bet.

- I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then.

The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.

And the blonde said:

- Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!

A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.

The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.

To which the boy replies:

- GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE!!!!

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

- Hold on there, partner - said the snake

- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:

- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

- When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.

- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

Yo mama is so hairy, that Bigfoot tried to take her picture!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago

Why did King Kong join the army?
→ To learn about gorilla warfare.

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.

The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.

The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.

The third guy swam 99 miles, and said:

- I'm tired. I think I'll swim back.