Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said:
- I need this dress cleaned.
The man said:
- Come again?
Monica replied:
- No, it's just mustard.
- Can you see farther during the day or at night?
- During the day of course.
- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
→ So the other one could drive.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
- Oh, no, it's my husband!
The man says:
- Where's your back door?
- We don't have a back door - says the woman.
The man then asks:
- Well, where do you want a back door?
Yo mama is so ugly the government moved halloween to her birthday.
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
- Which side is it best to lie on? - she asked.
- The side that pays your fee - replied the doctor.
The bartender asks him:
- What'll you have?
The guy answers:
- A scotch, please
The bartender hands him the drink, and says:
- That'll be five dollars
to which he replies:
- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:
- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy:
- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:
- What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!
The guy says:
- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life
to which the bartender replies:
- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.
To which the guy replies:
- Thank you! Make it a scotch.
What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?
→ Afresh air freak.
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could:
- I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.
- So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? - asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied:
- Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:
- Mommy almost died this morning
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted:
- How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
- Well - mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting:
- Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!! and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.
