Most viewed jokes

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.

1st he went to his Brother and asked:

- Could you give me a spelling word?

His Brother answered:

- ShutUp

So he wrote down Shutup.

2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered:

- Certainly

He wrote down certinly.

3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.

4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered:

- In my Little Blue Car

The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked:

- Do you want to go to the principles office?

He said is second word:

- Certainly.

In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered:

- Lolipop!!

Then the principal asked:

- What do you think your punishment should be?

The boy answered:

- To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
→ They both fuck up bowings.

Mr. Richman has 3 daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.

One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy when to the policeman and she said:

- Nobody and Somebody are fighting

Then the policeman look at her then he said:

- What are you talking about?

Then she said again:

- Nobody and Somebody are fighting

Then the policeman said:

- What? Are you crazy?

Then she said:

- Yes but how did you know my name?

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said.

- but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said.

- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
→ Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said:

- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said:

- Oh What a Beautiful little baby.

The mother said:

- Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said:

- this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said:

- why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said:

- well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
→ Mom! I see an angel.