Most viewed jokes

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ Ground beef.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Yo mama is so fat...that she broke a branch in her family tree!

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right...

1. Who do want to be most like in life:
   A) Vanna White
   B) Michelle Fiefer
   C) Britney Spears
   D) None of the Above
2. In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:
   A) Run when you see the seeker
   B) Stay hiding until the seeker finds you
   C) Run when the seeker sees you
   D) Follow the seeker quietly
3. What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease
   A) You loose alot of weight
   B) Gain weight
   C) Get really smart
   D) Loose your memory
4. How do you kill a bird:
   A) Hit it
   B) Throw it off a building
   C) Cook it
   D) All of the above
5. What's an important question about pregnancy
   A) Is it mine
   B) How far along am I
   C) Is it a boy or girl
   D) What hospital should I go to for delivery

Don't read them this part:

Results:

1. A=5pts. B=3pts. C=2pts. D=1pt.
2. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=3
3. A=4 B=3 C=5 D=1
4. A=3 B=5 C=4 D=1
5. A=5 B=1 C=3 D=2

TOTAL: 20 = Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19 = Pretty Dumb; 10-14 = Not Bad; 9 = Smart for a Blonde

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says:

- Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
Wedding cake!

Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!