Most viewed jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says:

- Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts:

- But this is no ordinary dog.

The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests:

- Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says:

- Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says:

- Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says:

- Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?

The dog says:

- No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says:

- Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?

To which the dog replies:

- Because I have never had $20 before.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said:

- but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said:

- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

- I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep:

- I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says:

- Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter.

- Anything else - he questions.

The hippie replies:

- Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells:

- Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!

So the barkeep returns to the hippie:

- That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?

- Yeah - the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

"You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

- Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me? - she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

- I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again.

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. He explained:

- Pull the pin like a hand grenade, then depress the trigger to release the foam.

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted:

- Like a hand grenade, remember?

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

What's green and purple and goes up and down?
→ Barney in an elevator.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!