Most viewed jokes

- Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.

- Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.

- People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.

- As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.

- The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.

- Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.

- Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

- What color? - they asked.

He settled for white.

- How much does it cost? - he asked.

- Twenty dollars.

- Very good - he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

- Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?

- No - he said - nothing like that.

- Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles.

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said:

- Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

- Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

- First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties." But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fucking bitch!"

How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
→ Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies:

- Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.

- Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.

- Doctor: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.

- Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
→ The brunette, because the other two don't exist!

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

- I'm sorry sir, - she said politely - but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.