Most viewed jokes

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.

- I've got a difficult decision - the VP says:

- I either have to Lay You or Jack off.

- Oh? jack-off, - Mary says:

- I've got a headache.

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply "He's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him "We thought you were dead!", and the man replies,"After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!".

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:

- Well, my pet chicken, of course!

- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.

- We can't allow animals in the cinema.

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:

- Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!

Agnes whispers back:

- Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Madge says:

- I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow:

- What the heck are you doing down there?

And the fellow shouts back:

- Yoga!

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped:

- So, do you want to date her??

To which I stuttered:

- Ummmm...1968, perhaps?

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Banana!

- Banana who?

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Banana!

- Banana who?

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Banana!

- Banana who?

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Orange!

- Orange who?

- Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!

What goes "click click, Is that it?, click click, Is that it?"
→ Steveie Wonder doing a rubik's cube