Most viewed jokes

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?...

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did...

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?...

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says:

- You.

- Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

- What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced:

- You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted:

- Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!

Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!"

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

- Well - replies Paul, - you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?

- Yes - replies Jeff with a laugh.

- Well - says Paul, straightening up, - I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.

- That's great! - says Jeff, - When are you going out?

- I went to meet her this evening - continues Paul, - but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

- Sensible - says Jeff.

- So I get to her door - says Paul, - and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.

- And what happened then?

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

- I kicked her in the face.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says:

- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The Polak answers:

- The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

- You aren't so good in bed either! - he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.