A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"
Yo mama's like...:
- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.
- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.
- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.
- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.
- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.
- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.
- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.
- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
- Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
- Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
- Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.
- Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.
- Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.
- Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.
- Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.
- Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.
- Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."
- Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.
- Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.
- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
- Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.
- Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.
- Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
- Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
- Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.
- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.
- Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.
- Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.
- Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
- Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.
- Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
- Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
- Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.
- Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
- Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.
- Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
- Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.
- Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.
- Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.
- Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
- Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"
- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.
- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.
- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.
- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.
- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.
- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
- Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.
- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.
- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
- Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!
- Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"
- Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!
- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!
- Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"
- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
- Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!
- Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!
- Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry".
- Hans Olaffsen? - he thinks.
- How in the world does that fit in here?
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks:
- How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers:
- Is name of owner.
The visitor asks:
- Well, who in the heck is the owner?
- I am he - answers the old man.
- You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...
What your name? I say Sam Ting." (Sam Ting = 'same thing')
- Tech Support: What does the screen say now.
- Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.
- Tech Support: Well?
- Person: How do I know when it's ready?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position?
The pilot responded:
- I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:
- Get me a beer before it starts!
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says:
- Get me another beer before it starts!
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:
- Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!
The wife is furious. She yells at him:
- Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...
The man sighs and says:
- It's started...
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
→ Kermit the Fog!
A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said:
- BUK BUK BUK
Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left.
An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books they had taken earlier and said:
- BUK BUK BUK
Now convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three books, they took one each and left. This time she decided to follow them. She followed them down to the local pond and stood horrified as they threw the books into the water.
All of a sudden they flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's head up saying:
- RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!
Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience, yet one day she discided to take her chances. As she climbed on the big Palimino, it took off at a gallop. Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her foot got caught in the stirup. She was at the mercy of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when......
The Wall Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.
YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND A ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET
