Most viewed jokes

yo mama so stupid..she sits on the t.v and watches the couch

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
→ The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said:

- Well, I have discovered men are all alike!

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table.

- Gal, men are all Ah like, too! - she said.

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects.

- Jesus is watching you - a voice said

- Huh?, oh well - the robber said and continued shinning his torch.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice continued.

The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.

- Oh, it's you - the robber said.

- I'm just trying to warn you - the parrot said.

- Oh, that's nice - the robber said, pretending to be scared:

- what's your name?

- Moses.

- Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?

- The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

A guy calls the hospital. He says:

- You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!

The nurse says:

- Calm down. Is this her first child?

He says:

- No! This is her husband!

What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.

- I bet you don't know what day this is - said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

- Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised:

- First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! - she exclaimed.

- I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.