Most viewed jokes

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

- What's bothering you so, dear? - inquired Farther O'Grady.

- Oh, father, I've got terrible news. - Replied Mary.

- Well what is it, Mary?

- Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.

- Oh, Mary - said the father - that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?

- Well, yes he did father - replied Mary.

- What did he ask, Mary?

Mary replied:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked:

- What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied:

- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

- No - he said

- I mean what is the foundation of this case?

- It is made of concrete, brick and mortar - she responded.

- I mean - he continued

- What are your relations like?

- I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.

He said:

- Do you have a real grudge?

- No - she replied

- We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

- Please - he tried again

- is there any infidelity in your marriage?

- Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

- Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?

- Yes - she responded

- about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked:

- Lady, why do you want a divorce?

- Oh, I don't want a divorce - she replied.

- I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question:

- When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

True fact.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said:

- The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other:

- Do you know where we are?

- I think so - replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!

Secret tips for making a marriage last...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife:

- Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

- Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!

So I suggested:

- How about the kitchen?

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said:

- There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me:

- In the lake.

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling:

- Am I too late for the garbage?

The driver said:

- No, jump in!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

- She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

- She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

- She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

- She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

- She retains more water than Lake Superior.

- She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."

- She buys you a new T-shirt - with a bulls-eye on the front.

- You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says:

- All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?

- She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

- She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
→ A hot frog!

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies:

- Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.

- Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that, - says the warden.

He turns to the biker:

- And you, biker, what's your last request?

- That you kill me first.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged - And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.

- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded - And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:

- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

- Once - he replied.

- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.

- And what did she say to you this morning?

- Don't stop.