Most viewed jokes

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
→ A DICTATOR!!

What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
→ A Polaroid One-Step.

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?
→ The Swallow.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

Do you know what a dog and a screen door have in common?
→ the more you bang them the looser they get.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady then asked him:

- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?

- I'm sorry - came the reply.

- But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says:

- Banana Split, please.

The lady at the counter replies:

- Crushed nuts?

The old man says:

- No, Arthritis!

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

- Marry him anyway, dear - the Mother said.

- Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said:

- Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.

- Pa! - the young man stammered - do you know what that makes me?

- Yep - said the old man fingering the $50 - ... and a cheap one, too.