Most viewed jokes

Conversation over dinner:

- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?

- Man: Of course I do.

- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- Man: (makes audible groan)

- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- Man: Where else would we sleep?

- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

- Woman: - - - silence - - -

- Man: Oh Shit.

THE KIDDIE PICK...
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS...
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK...
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS...
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE...
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL...
No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK...
Ditto.

PICK AND STICK...
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT...
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
→ None! He fell.

Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
→ Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband:

- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?

- You'll know tonight. - he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said:

- Watson, look up. What do you see?

- Well, I see thousands of stars.

- And what does that mean to you?

- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
→ Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.

They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says:

- Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.

The photographer went first.

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.

The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next.

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.

The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn.

- And what would your wish be? - asked the genie.

- I want them both back after lunch - replied the editor.

- the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

- What flavors of ice cream do you have? - inquired the customer.

- Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate - answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked:

- Do you have laryngitis?

- No.... - replied the new waitress with some effort - just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.
8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.
9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.
10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.
11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.
12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.
13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady...not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.
14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.