A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.
- This is called 'Perhaps' - said the sales clerk.
- It's $285 per ounce.
- Listen, for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...
- You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !! - the man shot back.
What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes?
→ Slow natives.
- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds:
- My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires:
- Is that true?
The husband replies:
- Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me.
I got home from work last night and said to my wife:
- You are a one
She said:
- What do you mean, I am a one?
I said:
- If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one.
That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal love triangle.
They ate the sheep.
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
