Most viewed jokes

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said:

- Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!

The dog said:

- Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!

The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner.

After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog:

- Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??

- Sure! - Replied the dog.

The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.

When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said:

- It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me

The owner was livid:

- It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the streets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle.

- ROVER! - Shouted the owner

- You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!

The dog replied:

- I've never had a fiver before!

- Was your wife a virgin when you married?

- I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.

Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
→ It did $100 million worth of improvements.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

- Ladies, exercise is good for you - announced the teacher - Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - asked the instructor.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

- Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

- Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

- Your legs are skinnier than mine.

- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

- You have a hairy back.

- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

- You still live with your parents.

- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says:

- How much?

She says:

- Twenty bucks.

He says:

- All right.

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says:

- What's the extra five?

He says:

- That's for blowing the sand off my balls.

A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss.

Her reply was:

- At a time like this you want me to change positions?

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says:

- You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass.

She says:

- What???!!!

But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her:

- Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!

She looks back at him and says:

- If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- 10 pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said:

- Just had him circumcised!

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:

- cough drops and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:

- What are you doing here, m'am?

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:

- Well, I can suck em can't I?